SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. That’s not going to help,” she said. 2) Forget the present, I didn’t get you one. He saw my phone on... After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.” —Dean Simpson. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. Well, now that I think about it, I probably should have bought a different card with more room to write about just how much you mean to me. [example], The older you get, the better you get. Then one day, her wish came true. The floor’s still wet.”. [example]. My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, "Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?". November 19, 2015 at 1:59 PM He’s... Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk? You can spend five bucks on a pre-made card that is moderately funny, or you can make your own DIY funny birthday card that is actually hilarious. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”, “God,” came her reply. This site also displays ads and, on occasion, will feature sponsored products or posts. When he arrived, I checked my texts. My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. Inside: Happy birthday from #5! After a few moments, laugh like I wrote something hilarious. The Poet can help. [example], I have two tips for you on your birthday. If you got stung by a jellyfish, I would totally pee on you. [example]. [example], If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy. Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?”. [example], To Do List: Give birthday card to idiot ☑  [example], I really hope you like this gift that you specifically told me to buy for you. We’ll let them think that, no need to spoil it, as you obviously need all the help you can get. I say that because the man finally declared in a loud, exasperated voice, “No, I don’t want to talk to the dog!”. (Popcorn) I hope your birthday is poppin’! Here’s to another year of successfully evading my assassins. “No. [example], While you were reading this card I ate your entire birthday cake. [example], (Wine) In wine years you are extra fine. Maybe tip back your head and laugh, you know, really sell it. “I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. And when it comes to kids, the sillier, the better. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t... Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. The love that only siblings or besties can share. Valentine’s Day Quotes for Family (Especially Kids! I needn’t have worried. So when you whip out a list of clean, kid-friendly jokes and puns, you’re guaranteed to be their new best friend. Substituted the white wine for red wine, then added a few splashes of balsamic vinegar to the mix at the very end. If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “He can’t read yet.”, One night as I was putting my 
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, 
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re... I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. If you have decent drawing skills, use them to create your own humorous cards! Mostly G, a few PG. All he had to say was “Hi,” and that launched... Our company gives out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. Start your day with our daily jokes that bring a great laugh. My husband and his sister are notorious yakkers. Maybe you've never even heard of these. “Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. I needn’t have worried. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. I said sure. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen. I said sure. The more you have, the longer you live. Happy to discuss further. [example], Ok let’s see how this goes. I have a question. Just so you know, we may collect a share of sales should you purchase anything from the links we provide. These funny birthday card quotes require a bit of basic artwork. Take care. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Read our privacy policy and full disclosures. A few jokes about butts, getting drunk, mild insults, old people body humor, that sort of thing. 10 Gifts That Everyone Wants (Even If They Don’t Know It Yet), 10 Practical Gifts (That People Actually Love), 10 Great Whiskey Barrel Tables You Can Buy or DIY, 21 Excellent Gifts for the Impossible Man, 21 Best Beer Lover Gifts (Totally Awesome Ones), 10 Heartwarming Sympathy Gift Ideas for a Grieving Friend, National Taco Day and How to Celebrate It, 21 Gifts for Teachers That Anyone Can Afford, 15 Inexpensive Gifts for the Woman Who Has Everything, 10 Beautiful Championship Ring Display Cases. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. Get ideas for birthday greetings, love messages, congratulation notes, get well soon words, what to write on a sympathy card, what to say to a new graduate, Irish blessings, St. Patrick's Day wishes and more. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. “No, not yet. One said to the other, "You're fine, How am I?". Birthday Cards Christmas Cards Father's Day Cards Mother's Day Cards Valentine's Day Cards ... Rick and Morty Pickle Rick Stein 3 For £20 3 For £20. “Is this the salon near the fire station?”... On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. [example], Happy birthday! (Cactus) I hope your birthday is on point! We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. [example], Happy Birthday! [example]. What’s a birthday card without money inside? Also note that these are all pretty clean. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. “No, this is the fire station.” “Oh! [example], (Cute little pea) Hap-pea birthday! In-cone-ceivable! Inside: Too bad you’re not one of them. [example], Knowing someone as awesome as me should be the only present you need. All these words fill up the card and there’s no place for me to write something personal about our friendship. “Maybe I have that.” I shook my head. After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you,... Our boatswain's mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her. Clean Valentine’s Day jokes for kids – but funny for everyone. As of January 1, 2021, 633 episodes of Annoying Orange have been released. 1) Forget the past, you can’t change it. Let’s get birthday. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket. The recipes are clear and simple, and the burgers we have made so far have been excellent. Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac. [example], Balloons are so weird. [example], (Cheese) You’re aged to perfection. I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online. Very  “heartwarming” and “sentimental.” Even “truly meaningful.” If you can share such tender intimacies as these with a friend or family member, you have a relationship to treasure. So how about you just sit down like it’s warm. We always strive to recommend only the very best! The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.”. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”. Shop at Amazon Fashion for a wide selection of clothing, shoes, jewelry and watches for both men and women at Amazon.com. “Sure, it does,” he said. I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. “Maybe I have that.” I shook my head. Babe Ruth:... My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. [example]. "People call that river of air the Pineapple Express! One day, he called her. The burger recipes, over 80 of them, are named with fun puns, and contain some weird and wonderful flavours. The interviewer says, "I don't think that's a weakness." From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t having it. They finally went with mine. After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. The Ellen DeGeneres Show (often shortened to Ellen and stylized as ellen) is an American daytime television variety comedy talk show that is hosted by Ellen DeGeneres.Debuting on September 8, 2003, it is produced by Telepictures and airs in syndication.The majority of stations owned by NBC Owned Television Stations, along with Hearst Television, serve as the program's largest affiliate base. On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. It’s the anniversary of your daring and clever escape from the womb! Copy and paste. Enclosed is a check for $150. I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. That’s not going to help,” she said. PB & J. An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Scarlett & Rhett. The Muppet Show was produced for worldwide weekly syndication from 1976 to 1981. Take every birthday with a grain of salt. My son's a big fan of Bob's Burgers, so we picked this up as a birthday present for him. (Tea cup) Happy birthday, best-tea! I tried my best. “No. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn't stop at the stop sign. Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. [example]. “Sure, it does,” he said. I have no idea if there are actually a hundred ideas below. So good i used the cactus one (for a 12 yearold) but if she was older i would of chosen a older birthday one hilarious. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. Nearly 500 clean family-friendly movies that are appropriate for... You can spend five bucks on a pre-made card that is moderately funny, or you can make your own DIY funny birthday card that is actually hilarious. At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. Leading up to Valentine’s Day, how about sharing some lunchbox jokes? (Cheese) You’re aged to perfection. Inside: From your 110 lbs friend. An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? Let’s party and make questionable decisions. =     I did the bare minimum. We are partners with NorthwestGifts.com and UrnsNW.com. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. [example], Birthdays are good for you. The man then says, "I don't give a #%^& what you think!". Inside: I even signed it. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” —Michelle Steinmetz. —David Bez, During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got the job. Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. Inside: Unless you’re a banana. Make every day a great day with these funny jokes about life that will make each day a little brighter. “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Sunday.”. You know you’re getting old when the cake is not large enough to hold all the candles. While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. If you do not understand English, press 2. [example], Yyyyyyaaaaaaaaassssss We like to keep it 90-95% family-friendly and nothing really gross or obscene. The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. We may receive a commission when you click on product links. [example], I’d walk through fire for you. Today is the anniversary of your birthday. =     I have 18 questions. Birthday Cards Christmas Cards Father's Day Cards Mother's Day Cards Valentine's Day Cards Greeting Card Packs Offers Offers Home; 3 For £20 Gifts Under £50 … Our boatswain’s mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. Jan 28, 2021 - Free svg cut files or cut files to buy to make t-shirts for family vacations or to wear around the house. (In your case, a really big one.) (Lettuce) Lettuce celebrate your birthday! I hope your cake doesn’t give you diarrhea. —A.K. Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all... A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. Well, not fire, because it’s dangerous. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an... “I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author, An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “No, I haven’t,” I said. [example], (Cake with boxing gloves) You wanna piece of me?!?! [example], (Orange) Orange you glad it’s your birthday!